Guest Post from Andra Davidson: The Three Holiday Questions I Get Most Often
For so many of us the holiday season is already stressful. Add in complications from divorce, and it can be even more difficult. With the traditions, family gatherings, and expectations surrounding the holidays, it’s common to feel a sense of anxiety, loneliness, or even dread. Over the years, I’ve noticed three holiday-related questions that come up most often from people going through this experience:
1. How can I get through my time alone?
For someone used to spending the holidays with a partner or as part of a family unit, the idea of being alone can feel especially daunting. Holidays tend to highlight togetherness, and the thought of being alone during this time can amplify feelings of isolation. Here are some ways to change your perspective. First, take some time to think about what you would truly enjoy this season. Is it time to yourself? A vacation, alone or with friends or family you haven’t seen lately? Is it time with friends you’ve been missing? Reframing your alone time as an opportunity to indulge in activities that make you feel good or rejuvenated can make a big difference. You might take up a hobby you’ve been meaning to try, dive into a book, or spend time outdoors. Give yourself permission to incorporate new holiday rituals to turn your alone time into something special.
It’s also important not to stand on ceremony. Take the initiative to reach out and connect with friends and family who would probably love to have you join them but may not have thought to ask (no matter how frustrating that is!). You might also consider volunteering as a way provide a sense of purpose, bring joy, and connect you with others. When you shift your focus to helping others, it can help alleviate some of the feelings of loneliness and add more meaning to your holiday experience.
2. How do I make it as smooth as possible for the kids?
First, taking care of yourself will also help your kids, as it will give them permission to worry about kid stuff, not whether their parents will be okay! This is one of the best gifts you can give them during this significant transition. Acknowledge that they might feel torn between two households or worry about how their presence or absence will affect either parent. And while it’s natural to want everything to be perfect for them, focus instead on creating an environment that prioritizes stability, communication, and reassurance.
The season will be smoother for everyone when there’s a plan and clear communication. If you can, work with your co-parent to map out a holiday schedule. Once you have a plan, talk to your children about it openly. Let them know where they’ll be and with whom they’ll be celebrating at different times. Be mindful that kids might feel worried about splitting their time or might have mixed feelings about new routines. Let them know that it’s okay to feel this way and that both you and their other parent understand.
Creating new traditions can also be incredibly helpful. Ask your kids what they would like to do and come up with new ideas together! This can help kids embrace their current family structure rather than constantly feeling the weight of what’s changed. Finally, let go of the need for perfection. Divorce is a big adjustment, and things may feel messy or emotional at times, and that’s okay. Kids are remarkably resilient, especially when they’re given love, reassurance, and clear communication. Embrace the imperfections, show your kids that it’s okay to feel a range of emotions, and focus on making memories rather than trying to fit into a perfect holiday mold. I love the motto one of my clients shared, “Fine is good enough this season.”
3. Will we ever be able to celebrate together again?
Many divorced parents wonder if they’ll ever be able to share a holiday table with their ex and their children, and the answer is unique to each family’s particular circumstances. While it might not be possible for everyone, celebrating together can become a reality for many families, even if it doesn’t happen right away.
If celebrating together is a goal, start small and take the wins. This could mean supporting each other in being flexible with the holiday schedule or sharing little holiday moments (like watching the kids open presents). When you both can set aside differences to focus on the children’s happiness, it can ease tension and set the foundation for shared celebrations in the future. If it’s not possible to celebrate together, that’s perfectly okay; separate celebrations can still be meaningful and enjoyable for the children.
If celebrating together is a long-term goal, keep lines of communication open and avoid blaming or rehashing old conflicts when you’re all together. Show your children that you both prioritize their happiness over past grievances. With time, patience, and understanding, shared celebrations can become a way to model healthy relationships and demonstrate that family extends beyond marital status.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself as you navigate this new reality. Manage expectations and don’t be surprised by the range of emotions and logistical challenges you encounter. The holiday season may look different than it once did, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningful. By focusing on the present, connecting with loved ones, and creating new memories, this season can become a time of renewal and resilience for you and your children.
Repost from the Better Than Before Divorce Blog (you can also sign up for her amazing Newsletter featuring more great content like this)
Also, listen to Andra’s Podcast about How to Survive the Holiday Season
More About Andra
Andra Davidson, creator of Better Than Before Divorce™, is a collaboratively trained mediator, certified divorce coach and communications expert.
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